Mother Wounds & Distorted Nourishment
The mother wound. I’ve read quite a bit on the various interpretations and experiences of it, and have researched what many other expressions are bringing through surrounding this phenomenon. My experience of it is both unique and also really common, as there is always a pattern in all distortions that can be replicated, yet completely customized within a being. Distorted patterns are so fascinating because many of us can carry the same template of a wound, yet respond and relate to it in completely different ways, and the tangible & created form of it will look different in the external world. One similar thread I have found with all beings who carry mother wounding is that of distorted or misaligned behaviors around nourishment of the self, which is why I felt called to direct my focus upon accessing more information around it - to bring it through for a serving purpose.
All of us know, in the deepest depths of our core being, who our true “parents” are. We have some semblance or memory of the truest holy mother expression and holy father expression that are the organic, living source light and tone of absolute and unconditional love. “They” are also “us”, as we are never truly separate. However, they represent a collection of frequencies & attributes that combine into a massive unified expression that can always been seen, felt, or known as one allows oneself to tap back into them. They are innately love, and effortlessly embody the roles that they play in the larger macrocosm of consciousness.
This is extremely confusing to a soul here on earth who is subjected (maybe from the very beginning of their lifetime) to FALSE parent expression & archetypal roles that begin to warp the mind, heart, and soul of a being who is wired to love & connect.
Let’s define the differences between the TRUE holy parent expressions (GOD - Aligned Feminine & Aligned Masculine) and distorted parent expressions. We’ll start with the false via iterations of expression within my own life and biological family. For this specific post, we will focus solely on DISTORTED MOTHER. In a future post, we will discuss and explore DISTORTED FATHER.
The FALSE or DARK/DISTORTED mother is a huge collective consciousness expression that is embodying/programming varying degrees of satanic and/or luciferian technology.
Both have key characteristics and behaviors that are equally as harmful, but present themselves in very distinct & different ways. Let’s practice exploring & expressing these words & concepts without fear or stigma. It is what it is. We have to know it and see it in order to change it. Release fear around it, as we all carry and face off against these technologies in varying degrees.
A human expression whom is carrying, we’ll say, average levels of dark mother consciousness technologies to be worked out, will resemble the following:
Manipulation, triangulation, belittling, gossiping, harsh judgment, withholding, spiteful behavior, passive-aggression, disdain, trickery & fabrication, emotional abuse and neglect, absurd reactivity, wired towards victimhood templates, excessive focus upon themselves for themselves OR excessive focus on others for themselves. Shadow martyrdom as an archetype is a big one, as is shadow queen, shadow princess, shadow enchantress/siren, black widow, and covert narcissistic adaptations.
This can get much, much darker. Yet, I won’t be discussing that here.
The macrocosmic expression of dark mother is among the most vile that exists within our entire universal time matrix, in my opinion. She is the ultimate expression of anti-life, she is a black magician/black queen, she is inverted, she perverts, she harms, she lies, she separates, she steals, she defiles that which is loving and pure, she devours. As holy mother’s aqua portal transits and literally eats darkness, debris, perversion, and abominations and transmutes it, removing it from the earth grid, dark mother’s expression will suck the most vile of creations through her black holes and deposit them into the earth grid, poisoning us collectively.
This macrocosmic interpretation is reflective of all that is running within each one of us as individuals. Internal Cause = External Effect.
To shift the “picture” or dynamic in the outerscape requires awareness, healing/integration of our individuated inner world, in as many of us as possible, to alter the collective expression of reality.
All of us have been impacted or infected with some form of dark mother consciousness. Some consciously choose this path, others are merely caught in her web until we learn how to find our way out. Remember, these macro technologies & collections have a direct reflection to our own collective inner world & calibrations. We are not “victims” to this, we are experiencing our own co-creations with the occult forces that exist throughout infinity, and this is the current nature of the relationship we have with those forces as a species. We weren’t designed to be this way, this is not innate to the human race. However, it is where we are at right now as a result of many misalignments that have taken place throughout our history as a species, and beyond.
Most of the trauma I have experienced in this life has been offered to me via a male - however, the technology present within them that activated aspects of their shadow was predominantly from mother wounding or FALSE mother technologies. This has been a huge piece for me to integrate….as I have honestly more comfortability facing off against false father programming than I have the dark mother. She is masterful at manipulation, and the highest level of infiltration can become grotesque and horrifying, as the cruelty it carries knows no bounds. I am still working to harmonize and remain neutral when I observe dark feminine attributes collectively. She will sacrifice her children and mutilate that which is sacred to power up her dark machine of reversals to keep slavery the consensus on this planet.
It is very important to note that the DARK MOTHER is very different from certain expressions of femininity that one may say are the organic “negative” aspects of the feminine architecture. The dark mother does not have a drop of benevolence within her. The only purpose she serves is to promote anti-life technologies and essentially catalyze transformation within us via the abhorrent level of atrocities that this expression creates. She can scare us awake and quickly align us on a path towards God (truth) if we don’t truly resonate with promoting what she’s selling (stealing).
As I reflect back on elements of this journey, I fully recognize that life is a perpetual initiation into limitless opportunity. We all have brilliant medicine within us, as we all contain vast amounts of information, memories, templates, archetypes, patterns, abilities, wisdom and art. We all have vary degrees of the opposite polarity running within some layer of our being/operating systems as well. The Law of Polarity is an inherent law of our universe. We all have light and dark, aligned and misaligned, gifts for healing and poisons for harming.
I acknowledge and witness very often, that one of the most potent multidimensional distortions in our individual/collective reality is that which enables one to inhibit or block oneself from creatively expressing what is uniquely them. This hindrance of authentic expression & creation, always because of some face of fear, creates deep suffering within us. The frequency of fear acts as an obstruction that can distorts one’s capacity of gaining true awareness of what exists within, which can inhibit way-showing and sharing outwardly, that will ultimately distort one’s ability to activate and catalyze greater awareness universally, for self and for other. It is a loud face of disempowerment, and I feel it as a huge individual & collective misalignment.
A being running dark mother or false mother wounding/technologies, will often suppress or be cut off from creative force/eros and will have a misaligned relationship to their emotional expressions. Either exhibiting a cut off/condemnation of various parts of themselves or an extreme lack of emotional maturity and willpower to command one’s response and may fly off the handle into erratic over the top emotional states. They may both attack themselves and others (running victim/victimizer programming), and may DEMAND that all expressions accommodate them or be thrown away/cast out. This can happen internally & externally.
Macrocosmically, we have been all experiencing an era of distorted masculine and feminine architecture. For the last era, on the surface, the masculine was largely assuming the role as the victimizer and the feminine as the victim. This does not always mean “man” against “woman”. This means our own inner principles have been at war with each other, and it will play out in many ways, towards self and other, regardless of gender or identity. Victim/victimizer programming always guarantees that all who participate within it will switch roles back and forth on repeat until the cycle is broken. This has recently begun to shift, as the feminine becomes front and center, and we now work out various iterations from the damage caused by the latest era of patriarchy, back and forth, until true balance and harmonization between the principles have been restored.
When I see dark mother running in the consciousness of myself or others, it is always tinged with a sensation of blame & shame mindsets & methodologies. A huge piece that we see outwardly at this time is essentially Anti-Male technology on blast. Many wounded feminine archetypes mounting a full-on multidimensional attack upon the masculine. This technology will insert various justification narratives around how their perspective and behaviors are warranted because of all of the abuse and damage that “men” have caused upon this planet. Men have absolutely caused harm upon this planet AND so have females. Most of the males who carry distortions have been harmed, neglected, punished, belittled, criticized or abused by a female (most often their mothers), and that has activated various defense mechanisms and adaptations that show up as different styles and practices of abuse. Short answer, both principles, both within and without, have been generating massive harm towards one another for quite some time. There isn’t one gender or race or expression to blame. The virus has penetrated all people, and it has been passing around in unique ways, depending upon what is running within the architecture of a specific person or group.
To me, the aligned feminine is that which is always in a state of effortless expression of art and creation. She is divinely orchestrating and expressing an organic and authentic nature of what is. She is rich, potent, wild; a safe & watery world of dreams that facilitate the “birth and death” of all things and the celebration and reverence of the cyclical nature of life. When someone is balanced in their feminine principle, they are able to receive deeply, love unconditionally, create without fear, and hold reverence for all of creation with an unmatched power of divine pleasure & sacred eroticism to which they engage in their own unique way of expressing it. She loves with a frequency of warmth and comfort that can soften and release all pain and suffering. She holds you while you cry, scream, and puke your heart out, while you make the same mistakes over and over and over again; as her love is steadfast and does not waiver. She never violates her own boundary. She knows what she is, and what she’s “worth”. Any act of violence towards her is countered with a type of fierce love frequency that could turn a “demon” back into an angel in an instant. Yet she will not tolerate abuse uncorrected… She does not lie, manipulate, deceive, gossip, distort, or triangulate. She doesn’t put herself or others down, as she celebrates herself and others. She acknowledges and responds with support/inspiration/encouragement to continue developing and relating to self/others/the world in more aligned & respectful ways. She feels and is not afraid to feel, and she dances through her feelings with reverence and wonder. This is the expression I pray to anchor in, within my own body. As the feminine principle throughout my lineage has been heavily distorted, repressed and enslaved by fear for generations. This is true for many of us.
What has been hidden or repressed must be seen & acknowledged, and then a choice must be made. We all participate in the perpetuation of cycles either in one polarity or the other, via choice. The choice is: Bondage or Freedom - to be the limited self or the unlocked self. When we are unable to recognize our inherent gifts, abilities, potentials & crafts, we often fall into a debilitating and destructive relationship with self and life that only promotes greater suffering until it becomes so unbearable - it’s either do or die. We either commit and drop into oneself, exploring and expressing our limitless potential and beautiful unique song, facing the shadow and connect with Truth. Or become so misaligned from our natural state that we succumb to intensified illness, eventually forced to eject & transition, requiring a new iteration of self to complete whatever was yearning to be birthed into the earthly plane by our soul. This path often shatters the hearts of others that we are connected to, and creates more for our own expression to unpack the next time around.
I know this because I’ve lived it - experiencing my own intensified disempowered state of being, mirrored and amplified via the pattern recognition of various flavors of disempowerment in that of my family, friends, peers, and other expressions I’ve had the blessing to connect with. My beloved father, who painfully withered away in front of my very eyes and ultimately passed on in 2019, invited me into a labyrinth of discovery via the ancestral miasma of his line, and the themes and altered versions of self that existed within him as a result, which ultimately also exist in me.
The tile of this share is regarding MOTHER wounds. However, I cannot adequately express the medicine I intend to bring through without sharing about my father. Much of his incarnation was impacted by his own mother wound, which rippled out in a multitude of ways to craft a brilliant picture of absolute insanity. Throughout much of my life, in paying very close attention to the dynamics within both of my parents, I found myself often in a state of deep inner inquiry as to why the heck they were even together. What unseen elements had brought these two together to unify for moments in time to anchor in my brother and I? They did not seem compatible in any way, shape or form. Both of them were entirely brilliant in their own respective ways and, on the surface, really the only similar element that existed between them was profound musical affinity and very authentic attributes of kindness & generosity. Otherwise, they couldn’t be more opposite, and their perceived differences created great friction and turmoil within the unit.
However, over time, I began to see similar patterns in their behaviors that acted as perfect counterparts for one another. Within them, they carried almost stunning compatibility in regards to their “wounded” or distorted parts. My mother learned to suppress her feminine and become hyper-masculine (emotionally and mentally)…my father’s masculine atrophied and he was much more feminine in his behavior & mindset. This was before the major gender distortions that currently exist today….so no, neither of my parents were considering if they were in the wrong body. They just had misaligned principles within (as most of us do) that caused them to “switch roles” and play out a very imbalanced marriage as a result.
For those who study Jungian psychoanalysis or analytical psychology…my father carried within him a huge expression of Puer Aeterus (the man-child or “peter pan” syndrome). This blended almost perfectly with my mother’s main shadow archetypes, the rescuer/the resentful woman/shadow martyr.
Neither of my parents were outwardly physically abusive, meaning - neither of them would ever hit me (apart from a few spankings from my dad when I was a tiny little, which did not continue) or hit each other. The parts I witnessed were much more nuanced and specific to their own inner complex worlds, which set the tone for my own personal battle with the merging of those shadow parts within my own being, bestowed to me as an ultimate blessing/curse for me to dance through, throughout my life, which also permeates into the life of my daughter. A separate post on that in the future.
My mother lost her mom to cancer when she was 10 years old. When I ask her about it, she doesn’t seem to have many memories of truly connecting with her mother. She was the last child born of six girls, and her mother began to fall ill not too long after she was born. After her mother died, her father abandoned her and her older sister - and they were sent to live with her aunt and cousin. My mom did not have any kind of deep bond or relationship with either of her parents. Her and her closest sister were orphaned and alone. Despite having each other, they each processed their trauma in completely different ways. My mother became the epitome of independence & obedience. She was a rule follower with an extreme aversion to risk taking or offering what she truly required to herself. She adopted various coping techniques and strategies, many that I recognize within me. I truly cherish and appreciate the exalted versions of these adaptations. However, I also quite often embodied the complete opposite of her expression, which would often create a weird schism between us. I was not a blind rule follower and I did not want to feel owned or like I had to conform to something I did not agree with or feel right about. I rebelled hard against 3D structures…I love to learn, yet I did not want to be in school all day every day, feeling like I had no say over how to command my day. I connected with people she perceived to be “bad”, as I was always mothering “strays” and kids my age who were even more broken than I was. This infuriated her. I could not be controlled into submission….and the darkness I faced and carried was beyond what she could handle or know what to do with. So I broke off and began to hide most of it from her, perceiving I could be an adult as a child and process things on my own.
My mother was the sole provider & the caretaker of all things, she was hyper-responsible, hyper-stressed, and hyper-repressed. She was constantly rejecting her own requirements and forcing herself to engage in various ways to keep things stable and afloat for the entire family. I felt very grateful for her sturdiness and reliability, and I also felt much guilt around creating any added difficulty on her, so it became a consistent pattern to refrain from sharing many parts and pieces I was navigating in an effort to simplify things for her. She lived most of the time in fear/survival, and would have to endure wild waves of intensity from my father almost constantly. She experienced an era of her childhood in which she was overweight & bullied, which contributed to a pattern of disordered eating that continued throughout her life and still exists today in a much more subdued and integrated version. This only amplified or reflected other parts of her that were “starving” and neglected. Inner cause, external effect. She was a “fixer”, wanting to fix all the things that were broken. She was a problem-solver, and systems and tech minded. She had relentless resolve when it came to continuing to work to “fix” things that really could not be fixed by her. My father being the biggest investment to which she dumped so many resources into that never really had a return. It was a relationship that was truly misaligned from the get, and she forced herself to stay in because she perceived that that’s just what one does.
My father exemplified the complete opposite of sturdiness and reliability. He was diagnosed as “bipolar/manic depressive” and was a constant yo-yo of extreme ups and downs. Ups and downs in his mood, his weight, his attention, his resources, and beyond. He became consistently inconsistent, and I learned to stay ever-present and on edge, knowing that the version of my dad I connect with today will be very different than who I witness tomorrow. My father was wildly intelligent, in many different forms. He was an incredible guitar & bass player, who could pick up melodies and jump in to almost any song without having to learn it or practice ahead of time. His ear was far beyond the norm, and music was a huge part of his life and livelihood. He was a professional draftsman, craftsman, musician, chef, and had multiple college degrees. One in digital electronics, one in teaching at a high school level, and a few more that I don’t remember. I’ve honestly lost track in how many skills he obtained throughout his life, and how many outfits and roles he had.
He was genuinely kind, was very open and accepting of all people, there wasn’t a hint of racism or bigotry in any cell of his being. He saw people as they were, and always highlighted their positive attributes or potentials. However, he had very poor boundaries and questionable discernment which would often involve him with individuals or groups that were not reciprocal or balanced relationships. As a young child, I did not understand, of course, why my dad would suddenly at the drop of a hat become extremely erratic and explosive. His emotions were like a tsunami, and you were never quite sure what would strike the match and cause him to erupt. He would often become violent but not at me, personally. Not physically, at least. It was always at things - or himself. He would throw things, slam things, break things, jump up and down, scream, cry, and meltdown. He would loudly proclaim his desire to kill himself - “fuck it all” he would often say, “maybe I’ll just kill myself”. And would constantly default to suicide in the midst of his breakdown, only to settle moments (or hours) later, completely back to baseline, wondering why everyone around is still upset….mindfuck. The worst was this behavior could strike anywhere, in any setting. This would facilitate deep embarrassment in public, with friends, etc. I still think about this poor woman working at Tops (grocery store), ringing us out, when my dad reached his threshold, for whatever reason, and unleashed his waves of chaotic energy and frenzy that would absolutely knock anyone down (metaphorically) who is not equipped with the skills to modulate.
I do have a very clear memory when I was in Kindergarten. My mother was the primary “breadwinner” because my dad was often unemployed. He would quit when he got upset, get fired for inappropriate behavior (relating to his dysregulated emotions) or he would create businesses or opportunities for himself that he would never completely follow through with (or he would sabotage). At five years old, my father was responsible for getting me fed, dressed, and sent to school most days. One particular morning, I remember giving him a hard time about getting dressed (or perhaps moving too slowly), to which he responded by ripping every single drawer out of my dresser, throwing them around my bedroom and thrashing my clothes everywhere. The shockwaves that moved through my body left a lasting imprint. That was the last day that I ever had any real trust in my father in regards to emotional safety. I realized that most of my life, I did not have much faith or trust in men at all, yet I would still feel this intense desire to “mother” them, and “fix” them. Then began the pattern of hyper-responsibility in my own being, very similar to my mother’s. I did not want to ask my dad or rely on him for anything, and I would often fight within my own being to keep from getting my hopes up around any kind of continuity in his expression or behavior. I told myself in some way that it was easier to have zero expectation from the get, then to have some kind of hope that would most likely be destroyed. I also deeply desired to save him and made him my responsibility from very young.
It was such a tricky relationship because I genuinely had a deeper bond energetically and psychologically with my father than I did my mother. I always wanted to be with him. When he was “himself” he was fun and creative. We had very deep philosophical conversations. We went on adventures. He would often let me skip school and go with him to music recording sessions, or treat me to a full day of dad time, often always music, movie and food-related. He did know how to enjoy things, and truly appreciate life when he was more himself. He was very proud of my “maturity” and ability to discuss complex matters with him about life, spirituality, the world, God, the devil, meaning, etc. I often read books way beyond my reading level or what was viewed as “appropriate” for my age, to which he would hear from the school about, but would never stop me from doing. I loved my father, like any daughter does - even when they pretend or perceive they don’t.
Deep down, every child loves their parents in some way. Even though every child has their own unique soul expression & mission, they are also a direct extension of their parents. We picked them. We contain the multidimensional energetic & genetic materials from each parent. They contain keys & codes that are specifically engineered to catalyze & promote development/remembrance of what we are and what we are here to do. We begin to see that “they” are “us” and “we” are “them”, there isn’t any separation. This is true for all of humans, but much more tangible to grasp when viewing things from the realm of the family unit and parent/child/ancestral relations. That’s why abuse and distortion received from our parents is so insidious to our development. We are experiencing massive pain and hurt from expressions that are part us, and that we rely on for safety and relatability to help us innerstand what this place is, and how to relate and respond to life. Which is why many of us with incomplete trauma (distress without resolve - as Teal Swan says) from our parents have one hell of a relationship to self & other. Out of protection, we suppress, deny, condemn, or shame the parts of us that remind us most of the things we hate about our parents. I remember it feeling almost excruciating to admit that I carried similar elements to my father, as I spent years in fear of ever being like his shadow parts. I came to realize that the exalted form of those parts are some of my greatest qualities as a human. And facing them, embracing them, and integrating them was the way out of my nightmarish pain body back to my heart, the place where I could access more of who and what I truly am, without fear.
Every pre-teen/teenager has an era of individuation that is imperative for their truest authentic expression to be discovered and activated. But by that time comes, we have already embedded within us several elements & experiences that can either further support the autonomous development of self, healthy relationship to self & other & the world, or facilitate extreme distortion in any and all of these categories and potentially take a hellish scenic route through the valley of shadows.
When I was in High School, my parents finally began to unravel. My mother was exhausted carrying all of us for so long. And my father was almost completely unhinged. He was in an out of different kinds of “treatment” to which the medications for his bipolar disorder always made him worse. He was openly upset about the lack of attention, sex, and romance he was getting from my mother. He carried deep shame about so many aspects of himself, and he would blame a lot of his negative feelings about himself on my mother. And I could palpably feel her disgust and repulsion of him. My father would get into random bouts of extremely selfish behavior, to which during the entirety of that spell, everything would always be about him, his feelings and his requirements. There was very little regard to how his behavior and choices would impact anyone else. He lived for the day, and he lived that day (or days) the way he wanted to. My father inherited over a couple million dollars in his lifetime from various family members. These were elders who grew up during the great depression, saved money, and chose to invest their entire life. They lived in extreme fear of poverty to the point where they would never spend any money, except to cover basic requirements, to which as soon as they passed - my dad would blow in an instant and go back to living in “poverty”. What a perfect example of polarity haha.
My dad used to say “money, is like air - you only start to worry when it starts to run out.” Fitting motto for his life. His ups and downs were so exhausting. I never knew what to expect. His lack of responsibility and poor discernment caused a great deal of stress on my life. Avoidance and denial are two of my most “triggering” elements of disempowerment, as my dad was always in a perpetual state of denial and avoidance. We would always joke that my dad had a proverbial “horseshoe up his ass”, as he would experience a major health crisis or facilitate a big stressor as a result of misaligned and poor choices, to which he would always escape or be saved from in some way. I was 15 when he required open heart surgery, a triple bypass. He had chest pain and dizziness for days that he ignored until my mother finally forced him to go to the hospital. The doctor said he was minutes away from a heart attack which could have taken his life.
After his surgery was when my mom decided she couldn’t take any more. So when he came home, I took over the responsibility of care during his convalescence. He was sent to our garage apartment behind the house, as he had no resources at the time to go out on his own and actually leave the house. I remember I could barely sleep those first couple days, I was wrought with worry. Constantly making sure he was taking his meds, his wounds were staying clean, and he was abiding by the recovery rules. I felt like I was texting/calling his tracfone (lol) almost every hour to check on him. Three days after coming home from his open heart surgery, he decided to go to a blues show at a bar in Buffalo. I remember calling and calling, eventually barging into the upstairs apartment looking for him, waiting for hours for him and my brother to return home. I was fucking livid. Here was my dad - his sternum just cracked wide open, his heart just operated on, with fresh staples down his sternum and two large incisions with stiches from the drains in his abdomen, and he went to a show at CBGB’s!? I felt like a furious mother. This is just one memory of many. Many times my father had infections or illnesses going on that he would ignore (or intensify) until it got to the point that it was a major problem, to which he would require someone else to come and save him.
It felt like my father could barely modulate his own life, so there really wasn’t much room for what was going on in mine. I was so conditioned to not really relate to my father as a father, that it wasn’t that shocking to me that as I began to face off against intense darkness & traumatic imprints in my early pre-teen and teenage years, my father didn’t have a fucking clue. As you will read about in other posts, I have experienced many forms of rape, beginning at 11 years old, which amplified an already misaligned relationship with self. This snowballed into very intense disordered eating, self-mutilation, poor choices of my own in terms of who I was hanging around and how much of myself I was giving away, in hopes of feeling like I mattered to anyone or anything. By the time I was 16, I had already been raped vaginally, anally, orally, I was cutting, navigating intense anorexia, addiction to exercise, and had experienced substantial relationship abuse. I had been slashed in my chest with a knife by an angry partner, dealt with very unstable teenage boys who were mentally and emotionally immature and navigating intense trauma of their own, to which I became addicted to “saving”, which never ended well.
I don’t intend to make myself sound like an innocent victim. I was lying, manipulating, and orchestrating many things in order to get what I thought I required. Many of the people who abused me did not do so unprovoked. I was super fucked up, and I did not make aligned choices in any of my relationships - which would always lead to some kind of intense drama and pain. The people who did show up and seemed to care for me, I would find some way to destroy or sabotage. Actual loving care felt so foreign, and I felt so unworthy of it. As a result of all the trauma I wasn’t processing, I would often hurt some really amazing people and run back to what I knew and where I felt comfortable. This is a perfect example of a reversal. Clinging to anti-life/pain, running from love/pleasure.
This seemingly went on repeat for most of my early life. I have had some really beautiful moments, and I’ve been blessed in so many ways along my journey. It hasn’t been all dark - but to be real, most of it has been. For over 30 years, I hadn’t experienced one sustainable era in my life yet that hasn’t been wrought with challenge in some way. I now, as I write this, feel so incredibly grateful for all of it. I don’t feel superior or special or “better” than others, and I often find myself rarely making comparisons, except to shed light on certain aspects within me that I may not fully see yet, or for some kind of relatability with the collective. However, I know because of the gifts I was given throughout my life, and how many times I co-created my own suffering over and over because of uncompleted trauma and very deep misaligned programming, I have developed a type of resilience & skill for polarity integration that can only be forged from lived experience & massive commitment to the choice I made to face myself and integrate my misalignments.
This has greatly enhanced my capacity for true compassion and innerstanding of what other expressions navigate, as I know firsthand what it feels like to suffer tremendously. And as much as I hurt for myself and my own pain, I equally feel that pain for others I witness in suffering. I feel grateful for the monsters I’ve faced, and I equally feel grateful for those I haven’t. My realm (or piece of the collective distortion I am tasked with integrating) is very much in the land of sexual misery, inner gender principle distortions, and relationships. I now accept that this life that I am living has been the perfect crash course into transformation of the second dimensional realm or the sacral world. The realm of creative force, birth and death, masculine and feminine architecture, the eros, the instinctual mind, and our gateway to the pleasure centers and pain body memories that intertwine and interconnect within our entire being. This journal will be a random collection of memories and insight in a non-linear fashion, that will continue to highlight relevant pieces to be shared with the intention to be of service to another expression who resonates and would benefit from the insight. That said. Let’s finally get to the root of this share: Mother Wounds and Distorted Nourishment.
Both of my parents, as well as my brother, have had disordered eating relationships. It would make sense that I would develop one as well. This is an element to our ancestral line that creates a magnificent opportunity to transform. My father had extensive mother wounding, as did my mother. Neither of them felt safe, seen, or properly nurtured by their mothers. My father’s mother was quite the woman…an incredible cellist and eccentric. I could write for an hour just on her and her story alone. But for the purposes of staying on task, we’ll just discuss the highlights. I spent a great deal of time with my grandmother in my early life. And I do want to say, I love her deeply despite her darkness & abuse. My grandmother was a very interesting type of dark mother archetype. Her mother was pretty abusive in a multitude of ways as a result of intense experiences she had after being orphaned very young. My father said most of his memories of his grandmother and mother consisted of them fighting and screaming at each other in Spanish (so no one else could “understand” what they were saying), followed by long periods of avoiding & talking shit on each other.
My grandmother could cut you to shreds with her words…but not from her tone, from her insane capacity for psychological warfare in the form of intimidation, manipulation, and shame. She would bully you artfully without you even knowing it or in ways that would stun you. Her ability to manipulate was uncanny & she would shame and embarrass my father horribly in front of other people - to which he would explode and end up feeling even more embarrassed. The fuckery with the food though…such an interesting element. My grandmother was a self-proclaimed chef, who sometimes would make incredible dishes, and other times would get too carried away with various ingredients and components and it would turn out like a gross science experiment. For whatever reason, if you didn’t eat her food and proclaim over and over how delicious and amazing it was, she would immediately turn angry and punish you in some way. At the same time, when my father started to gain weight and experience health problems, she would shame him relentlessly for it and then cry about how worried she felt for him and begged him to lose weight. She even started paying him to lose weight, $100 for every 10 pounds lost.
However, when she made food - if you didn’t eat it and finish it, she would unleash her passive-aggressive dark mother madness upon you. Instilling guilt and a really weird confusion. I was not impervious to this, as I too began to gain weight as a child, from both of my parent’s misalignments and eating habits. I was seven years old and had some excess, yet I was far from morbid obesity. She would cry and plead with me not to end up like my father - yet, would do the same old thing with me when it came time to eat. She would compare me to other girls my age or other cousins and say, “why can’t you look like her?”. I felt like being overweight was an embarrassment to her, and that she was very concerned that other people would think less of her because of how I looked. Not feeling like I had any control over what or how much I would eat felt like a huge boundary violation, and at some point, it got so bad that my mom kept me from seeing her for a while. To which, the guilt-tripping would begin. “I only say these things and act this way because I love you. It’s how I show that I care.” I really believe that she believed that. Yet she refused to admit or take ownership for any of her behaviors, ever. In fact, if you challenged her - you would be sorry. I have been chased and attacked by her for having a different opinion or viewpoint than her own. Yet, similar to my father, moments later - she would shower you with affection and praise at how much she loved you and cared for you. What a beautiful mess to clean up <3.
As I mentioned previously, my mother didn’t really know her mother. She died when my mom was 10, so most of my mom’s life has been void of any feminine/matriarchal expression. My mom’s eating disorder started young too, as she became very overweight as a child to which she would be bullied intensely for. She began to restrict and become very selective in her teenage years. Even now, she deprives herself of anything she perceives will cause her to gain weight. She claims it’s for health reasons, and I sort of believe her. However, she does deprive herself of the joys that come from the experience of food and what it means to truly nourish not only your body, but your soul. I then formed a beautiful mishmosh of all of these things. As far as I know, I am the only one in my immediate family that has experienced rape/sexual abuse, especially to the degree that I have. However, the disordered eating began way before that happened, and only became intensified afterwards. I never really received “professional” help for these things as I was going through them, to which now I see may have been a tremendous blessing. I did have an angel of a counselor from age 13 to 27, who was really the only stable voice of reason in my life - she was someone who I trusted as much as I could trust anyone at that time in my life. I didn’t specifically work out any disordered eating or rape trauma with her, but she did help me tremendously with witnessing and acknowledging many of the distorted behaviors and perceptions of self without shame, which was very much connected to all of those things and more. Much of what I experienced, in terms of the darkest and most difficult parts, I processed myself, inside of my own being, or was constantly working out and exploring various iterations of these patterns with each partner I would connect with, being invited into more.
Every era seemed to be worse than the last, until I reached my breaking point at 22. I was so burned out from my misaligned thoughts & behaviors…constantly measuring and counting every single thing I would eat, restricting for very long periods, measuring myself constantly. I felt a compulsive feeling to change my clothes when I was in public or when having friends over in my home. I would spend a lot of time looking in the mirror and picking out everything I hated about myself. I would cry often at how unhappy I was with myself, my size, my weight, my features. I would often daydream waking up with my “perfect” body, and how happy and peaceful I would finally feel when that would happen. I worked out like a maniac and would not allow myself to eat unless I burned a certain number of calories each day. This went on throughout high school and into my early college years. Things finally started to shift when I became a personal trainer at 19. I started to view the body differently than I had before, and I began to value strength and functionality over just looking a certain way. I was very good at exercise, as I had spent hours and hours and hours moving in many different ways. Building custom routines and very unique blending of skills to essentially exorcise my demons. There was a high I got from exercise that was unmatched to anything else I experienced. It perfectly blended a sense of masochism and punishment with a feeling of power and control over my form and being. I still had a pretty misaligned relationship with it though. It wasn’t until I began the next phase of awakening at 24, that things really started to transition out of where I had been for so long.
The reason why I share this lonnnnnggg story with you, is that to heal from mother and father wounds, means we have to openly express and chart/notice patterns within us and within our line to be witnessed, accepted, and moved through. If we continue to suppress our emotions or remain ignorant to our own shadow and the shadow elements of our family/those we are most connected to, we will undoubtedly continue to play these things out & most likely harm/infect others.
When I first began addressing dark mother/distorted mother wounds in myself, I chose to write down and express certain elements in me that were very misaligned, and chart connections to others in my family or places I may have “uploaded” these programs into my being.
Then I remained VERY vigilant to be sure that I did not fall into victim/blame traps or victimizer roles. It did not feel good to blame all of my misalignments on others, nor did it feel good to “work them out” on other people AKA abuse them. I CHOSE to acknowledge that these are things that happened FOR me…for me to see deeper into myself and ultimately transform or LOVE my way out of them. Then I learned that by doing this, I could relate so much more to others with similar programming and could way-show a way out for them.
Probably the most difficult part for me, was to offer all of the love to myself and my being that I was “lacking”, from years and years and years of abuse of myself and abuse from other people.
This was an extremely challenging era, as I became so accustomed to abusing myself and receiving abuse, that love truly felt worse than “bad touch”. I felt my body recoil and have visceral responses of rejection of it…I responded to love the way I could have been responding to abuse, had I not already been running the reversal technologies.
I still face off with an aspect of my inner child that perceives it is incredibly burdensome and so afraid to take from other people. Receiving can feel extremely uncomfortable if I do not do the work in that moment to stay balanced in reciprocity and “coach” myself through the process, actively.
I have done many visualization exercises where I will depict either an aligned version of my own mother, or all the women in my family line, touching my back, the back of my heart, my neck & chest (where I’ve had a ton of abuse and wounding), my womb, and just holding me with so much love and care that I will cry and cry and cry and notice resistance until I finally succumb to the feeling of love from them. Then I went on to offering that directly to myself, as much as possible.
Every act of self-abuse, I chose to do the opposite. And I had to stay consistent for a very long time until the patterns began to shift. This requires dedication and a willingness to be uncomfortable. I was already so used to pain, why not sit in discomfort to achieve relief from it? I had to go somewhat slow, because too much too fast caused a “relapse”, and I’ve had many….again, staying mindful of not getting stuck in the old program and “giving up”.
I was organically invited into more intense completion processes, especially when integrating rape trauma. There were many times that I traveled back into the experience to show up with love and support for the version of me experiencing it, as well as love & forgiveness for the being whom was harming me. Like I said, almost every person who has abused me had extensive mother wounding…that is not by accident.
I chose to view this work as a form of “training” - Demon Slayer is one of my absolute favorite shows/manga of all time, and I realized that much of my process has been like Hashira training <3. Honing these skills and processes over and over until they become second nature, and then just an inherent part of life.
Connecting deeply to the earth was another era and element that supported the integration of mother wounding. I would lay on her and cry, I would tell her all of my pain and problems and let her listen and hold me. I would cry for her pain and for her mistreatment - to which I knew was already forgiven. I would thank her for life, for nourishment, to which she would tell me….I AM YOU, YOU ARE ME. We are reflections of each other. If you care for you, you care for me. If you care for me, I care for you. AYNI, sacred reciprocity. I would sit in the creek and visualize all the pain and debris washing away.
When the shifting began to occur, many many people left my life. This can be very painful and disorienting, yet a necessary era. I realized that most of the friendships, romantic relationships, and professional relationships were all generated based upon the “old” program. I finally accepted that my ten-year relationship with my current “employer” (who was actually benefitting & treating me like an employee, yet I was an independent contractor and had way more freedom than I was conditioned to believe) was EXTREMELY distorted, also carrying extensive mother wounding to which she was not willing to fully see, acknowledge or address…and I had to leave, very quickly and somewhat in a messy way.
It can be difficult to love yourself when you are around many people who may be running programs unconsciously that lead them to behaving in abusive and neglectful ways. It can also be difficult to love and accept your own shadow parts when those around you are criticizing or condemning you for them, yet not taking any responsibility or acknowledgment of their own.
This happens…and we must learn how to stay dedicated and focused despite the level of challenge that may be placed upon us.
See COMMAND YOUR MIND: NOTICING & NEUTRALIZING NARRATIVES for more assistance in generating healthy & safe boundaries and cultivating a more aligned relationship with yourself & others.
I can tell you, with a full open heart and absolute authenticity that I do not have disordered eating patterns any longer. I have zero anxiety when I go to eat, I have zero fear, I lovingly nourish my body with whole, clean foods and also no longer freak out when we go out for pizza every once and a while at a “normie place”, where I know I’m consuming heavy metals and GMOs and blah blah blah. I don’t freak out - and I digest it just fine. HOWEVER, I will note that I have been diligently purifying my body and being multidimensionally for several years now. So for those who haven’t put energy and attention towards opening their detox pathways and a prolonged period of lowering toxic load and processing out misaligned elements that have been compounding within, you may require a sustained period of focus on purification and abstaining from poisonous food, products, water, and environmental toxins.
I love our seasonal eating practice, and I love tuning into my body and giving it what it requires. We will be offering more of this in the near future, because it has been a game-changer and I know it can help many others.
I still exercise often, however - it is done with a frequency of celebration and care for my body, instead of desiring to punish it, destroy it, or optimize how it looks to get more “love”.
I love my body now…more than I ever had before. And I’ve had a baby and I’m “squishy” :) In my 20’s when I worked out like a maniac and restricted like crazy, I was super “fit”, muscular, and super miserable and sick. If you would have told me 10 years ago, I’d be here now - I wouldn’t have believed you. There were so many times in my life I didn’t even know I’d make it another year. The emotional and psychological pain was so great, it felt like being alive and breathing was pain.
Now I feel the complete opposite. I revel in extreme gratitude and awe to be alive and be here on earth now.
This is my prayer to you, to as many beings as possible. It is possible to integrate the pain and trauma….and everything you have experienced has been FOR you in some way. We ALL can heal; our bodies, minds & hearts do it automatically when in a safe & relaxed state of being.
Offer love to yourself…in whatever way feels accessible, currently. Feel the love of the Holy/Aligned/Divine Mother within you, connect to her in whatever way feels relevant and accessible. You matter, you’re capable.
This work heals far beyond just you…it can transform your family, your community, the world. Every heart that activates and begins to vibrate love through the pain and fear has an impact on everyone and everything you see.
Falling in love with yourself is the kindest thing that can be done for all/one, and you will begin to radiate that outward for all to feel and notice. Even if they don’t participate or respond in the way that would be ideal, it is felt - and it does inspire transformation at some level.
So much of the misalignment we see in the outer scape is from compounded mother wounding over and over for generations. Stand up and commit to the embodiment of the opposite.
So much love to you.